Emotional Release

This is not going to be good by any means, I just had to let it out. So the first thing I wrote was a cop out, it was because i was too afraid to write about what is happening in my life right now. Because its not something that i can hide from anymore, its my life. according to my mom it all began a long time ago, but she tried to shield us from it for as long as possible. my brother and i were naive at the time so her job was well done. of course things seemed a little wrong sometimes but eventually passed over and so did our questioning. my mom slept up in my brothers room for years and she even went away for a week once but still it was something that i somehow overlooked. it was when i started my eighth grade year that my parents sat us down and told us that they needed a break. my mom was moving to a house about two minutes down the road. the deal was that one week i would be at my mom’s house and the next at my dad’s. i never really expressed how i felt, i just kept going on like nothing had ever changed, i didn't tell any of my friends about it and i tried not to think about it. after the year of separation was complete, the divorce was filed. by then i didn't really care anymore, it was not necessarily a better lifestyle but it was more peaceful. fast forward to now. this is probably one of the last nights that i will be sleeping in this bed, in my dad’s house, my childhood home. not because its necessarily what i want but because i cant stand it anymore. once my mom moved out of this house i became the only female figure, therefore in my fathers opinion i assumed all womanly tasks: laundry, dishes, and cleaning all of which i was supposed to do while juggling school, sports, and a teenage life. i wanted to live with my mom full time but i also knew that i couldn't because of legal matters but also i knew that i would miss my dad. even though we were on completely different pages most of the time i still loved him. plus, my mom’s country store couldn’t support my brother and i full time. it was at the beginning of the summer however that i knew this wouldn't work any longer. my brother and i headed out to arkansas to visit family on a plane financed willingly by my mother because in her opinion, god and family are all you have in this world. when we returned with my cousins who are also my best friends, it was supposed to be my week with him however, he refused to let my cousins come too on the basis that they are my mothers sisters kids. so in turn i refused to go. and it wasn't until the last week of summer that i spent with my dad. the whole time i kept up a facade in order to keep a little bit of peace. there is no way that you would know what i am talking about but it is a relationship that has too many issues for words. some of the time i am with him i have a good time and there is a spark of hope that this good path will continue but then in the blink of an eye its over and the demanding, tyrannical ways have returned. the reason that right now this is all looming is because next week i will be 16 and that is the age that you are legally able to say who you want full custody with. i am pretty sure i am going to stay with my mom but then i feel like i will be losing a whole part of my life, half of my self. but i also know that if i keep living like this i will eventually break down because i am human and i can only deal with so much. i wish i could explain everything and make it all make sense but life doesn't always make sense. this verse has helped me get through a lot though and i thank god for the blessings he has given me.

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Phillipians 4:13